Still Burning
by CecilyAurora
Summary: Sometimes that little spark is still there waiting to burn again.
1. Chapter 1

**Summary:** Sometimes that little spark is still there waiting to burn again.

 **Disclaimer:** I own nothing.

 **The idea came from the song "I'm Coming Over" by Chris Young, lyrics also by him and of course it had to be a Jay and Erin story. I hope you all enjoy this! Please review!**

 **Still Burning**

 _We say goodbye, see you around  
_ _We turn our backs then turn back around  
_ _We break up, we make up and we make love  
_ _We can't seem to let go girl_

"So you fight? Get over it. Isn't that what marriage is about?"

"It's a bit more complicated than that, Will." Jay rolled his eyes and chugged the remainder of his now room temperature beer. "We have the kids to think about."

"More reason to fight and have make up sex." Will winked teasing slightly. "Maybe pop out another one?"

"Not gonna happen." Jay adamantly stated. The three kids they had were enough for him. "I think this time is different. Like its officially done. She's got a lawyer, of course Voight's paying for it."

"Utter bullshit if you ask me." Will voiced his opinion. "You two fight? So what. Move on to the next thing. Don't hold the grudge."

"It's just not the fights, Will." Jay played with the tear in the label.

He didn't exactly know how it got like this. Jay remembers the good times. This time last year they were in their own little world, happily in love with each other and now they couldn't stand to be around each other. The fights got worse and worse, beginning over stupid little things that shouldn't have been a fight in the first place.

But now here he is, a month after being kicked out after another little stupid fight that escalated into something that ended with her saying "I want a divorce". That left Jay homeless, marriage less and now residing in his younger brothers guest bedroom.

"Then what was it, Jay because you and Erin were the image of perfection."

Jay just shrugged because he wasn't really sure what it was exactly. Maybe it's the late nights he's been working trying to support his kids and wife or maybe it was her being resentful that he told her that he rather she didn't take the job with the FBI just so the kids have someone home with them at all times. Or maybe it was when he came home with a motorcycle even though Erin was dead set against him having one. He didn't exactly know and she won't exactly inform him of why.

He was speaking from his own past were being a child of an Emergency Department Doctor left him happy that his mom was home with them growing up. He wanted at least one parent with his kids as they aged. They were still young; only ten, six and five and needed a parent there.

"Do you two even talk?" Will was getting to the bottom of this now. He didn't care what his brother thought nor did he care if he was crashing at his place till things calm down but he wanted what was best for him and that was Erin.

Erin brought out a side in Jay that Will hasn't seen in years since they were kids. She made sure his was laughing and happy all the time.

Shelby, Aidan and Lola did that but in another light. They were why he pushed himself all day long. He wanted to give them everything they could imagine in life and tried his best too.

"She called earlier letting me know I can have the kids tonight. She's going out with Kim and if I don't want them Voight will watch them." Jay glanced at the clock on the stove. He had to leave in ten minutes if he wanted to be there on time. "I hate this Will. I shouldn't have to call and ask permission to see my own fucking kids."

"Then try and make it work?" Will didn't know what other advice to give. He's seen how low Jay's been lately. He walks around moping all the time. "Because if not you won't be seeing them every day. Maybe every other weekend."

"Shelby won't even talk to me. A ten year old is dictating a relationship with me. Aidan is acting out in school and Lola doesn't know what's going on. And you know what's worse? Erin blames it all on me. Like this is all my problem." Jay hissed. "It's not my fault she asked me to leave. I didn't want this, she did and yet it's all my fault."

"Because she's angry man, pissed off probably and you're there as an easy target." Will became the voice of reason. "And the kids will come around...I think." Will shrugged. "I'll see you later. I have a hot date tonight. At least one of us will be getting something tonight."

"Nice talking to you." Jay rolled his eyes quickly walked out of the apartment. He was thankful for the cold weather that hit him hard while he walked the four blocks to his old apartment. It gave him time to think and clear his thoughts.

The holiday's were around the corner and Jay had no clue how they were going to deal with it. Voight usually invites everyone over or they'll have everyone over but this year he knows he won't be invited. It will be one lonely Christmas; his kids most likely won't be around, his brother is working and his parents haven't spoken to him in years.

"You're late." Erin said the minute she opened the door. "I told you 6, not 6:05"

"Five minutes late is not bad, Erin. Nice to see you too, by the way." Jay rolled his eyes at her attitude, trying to ignore it.

"Shelby, Aiden, Lola!" Erin called out quickly handing Jay their over night bags. "I'll pick them up tomorrow morning."

"I can keep them for the till Monday, Erin. I'm perfectly capable to get them to school."

Jay didn't know why, maybe it was Voight's ideas, that Erin was purposely keeping his kids from him. What did he do to deserve that?

"I think it's best they stay in their home on a school night, Jay. Who knows what Will is doing and I rather not have the kids around his behavior to much." She stated too coldly for his liking.

"So now because you kicked me out and I had no where to go but to Will's, my brother and their Uncle, and now you're saying that's not acceptable? And for the record Will won't even be there tonight"

Jay waited for her to respond but when Lola's screamed for him Erin shut her mouth.

"Daddy you here's!" Lola's tiny little feet ran at full speed towards Jay who waited with open arms. "You really here's!"

Lola Adeline Halstead was the perfect definition of Daddy's little girl. She could do no wrong in Jay's eyes, especially when she batted her long eye lashes and her bluish green eyes sparkled back at him.

"I told you he would be, Lola" Erin rolled her eyes and Jay just stared at her. "Shelby, Aidan come on!"

"Do we have to go?" Shelby Anne stood in the hallway, arms crossed and a pout placed on her angelic face. She was Erin down to her stubborn personality and her looks.

Jay waited this time for Erin to say something, but she just looked at Jay and kinked a brow causing Jay to let out a sigh. "It will be fun, Shel. We will get whatever you want for dinner and even a movie."

"Whatever." Shelby insisted rolling her hazel eyes.

Jay had to remind himself that she was only six because at this point he felt she was fourteen or fifteen with her attitude. "Shelby please," he warned.

"Aidan!" Erin yelled. She wanted Jay gone because the more time she spent with him or around him the angrier and sadder she became. "I think you have enough toys."

Two seconds later Aidan Voight Halstead joined his family dragging his dinosaur backpack used for first grade filled to the limit with toys. "I need to bring them all, Mommy. I don't know which ones I wanna play with and what if ones here that I want?"

"Then you could wait till the morning when I pick you up." Erin smiled softly. "But this one time I think it will be okay."

"Coats on, shoes on and we are out of here. I think Uncle Will is waiting for you three." Jay smiled trying to get out of the apartment as fast as he could. Too many memories that he didn't want to remember.

"Daddy can we get nuggets and nu nu's for dinner?" Lola asked brushing her curly dirty blonde hair off her shoulder.

"If that is what you want. I'm almost positive your Uncle hasn't eaten it all." Jay teased. "Now come on."

"Be good and I'll see you three in the morning, okay?" Erin gave a quick hug and kiss to the three kids before shoving them out the door gently.

Before the door closed, Jay turned to her "we need to talk about it, Erin."

"That is what the lawyers are for, Jay. Discuss it with them." Erin rolled her eyes frowning.

"That doesn't solve anything. I have a right to get these answers Erin." Jay huffed out loud. "One day you can't decide to just kick me out of my own house."

"I do not need to speak with you. I'm doing you a favor allowing you to see them. I don't need to let you see them." She hissed with such anger, a kind that Jay has never seen in Erin before.

"They're my kids!" Jay huffed. "I don't need your permission to see them. Better yet maybe I won't allow you to have them back tomorrow? You can get them from school on Monday."

"I'll be there tomorrow morning for them, Jay." Erin closed the door not really wanting to get into it at this moment. It went too far already with the kids witnessing it. She didn't ever want to discuss it, it was something that drove Jay even crazier because he wanted to know why. He needed those answers and Erin was so closed off.

"Daddy?" Aidan looked up at Jay nervously.

"Come on. I think we have dinner and a movie waiting for us." Jay plastered a fake smile on his face before guiding them away from the door.

"Why's Mommy mad?" Lola lifted her head off Jay's shoulder. Her eyes were filled with tears. "Daddy don't make Mommy mad please. Mommy always mad lately."

"Well it is Dad's fault." Shelby spoke with such disgust for her father.

"I don't know why Mommy's mad, Lola." Jay sighed. Even for him that went too far. He deserved to know why and Erin should have the decency to tell him. "And Shelby, I'd appreciate it if you don't put all the blame on me right now."

"Daddy is everything okay?" Aidan asked staring up at Jay in the elevator. "Is mommy gonna be okay?"

"I think so, bud." Jay lied threw his teeth. He knew something was up, what it was exactly had him second guessing everything. "Push the button so we can go."

The elevator ride was silent as Lola hung tightly to Jay, Aidan hung onto Jay's hand and Shelby gave Jay the death glare. He knew this was going to be a long night but it was a good starting point.

"Shelbs, what's wrong?" Jay asked curiously. "You can talk to me, you know?" Shelby use to come to him all the time when they were all living together.

"Nothing." Shelby mumbled not even making eye contact with her father.

Jay just dropped it because Shelby was a lot like her mother; she held things in tightly till she physically burst with her emotions. "Stay close to me, Shelby" Jay yelled over the crowed street. It was a Saturday night and the hustle and bustle of the city streets were coming alive. "At least hold on to your brother's hand please."

"I'm old enough that I don't need too." Shelby stated so seriously that at that moment Jay forgot he didn't have a teenager.

"I'll deem it appropriate when you are old enough. Till then Shelby Anne hold on to Aidan's hand please and do not make me repeat it."

Jay was never the disciplinarian in the family. He was way too soft with his kids causing Erin to take on the role. One look from here all three kids knew to stop immediately what they were doing. It was strange for him to raise his voice but he rather not have anything happen to Shelby.

"Daddy can we still pick a movie?" Aidan asked quietly as they almost reached Will's brownstone apartment. "Like you told Shelby?"

Jay nodded his head with a sigh, guiding the kids into the brownstone that occupied Will's apartment. "Shelby has a final say this time. Next time it will be you and then Lola"

"I don't want a movie. I want to go home." Shelby gritted her teeth, stomping her tiny foot refusing to enter the building. "I want to go to Mom, not you."

"Well Shelby, you cant always get what you want. If you don't want to watch a movie then you can go to bed earlier." Jay wasn't going to give in to her childish demands. They weren't worth the time or his energy to engage. "Aiden I guess you can pick tonight."

The way Erin said everything made Jay feel like maybe this was going to be official. Maybe it was time for him to invest in his own place where the kids had their own rooms or room to share instead of sleeping in his bed and him on the couch. But somewhere inside he didn't want to give up home; give up the hope that shortly he'll be back home where he belongs.

"Daddy guess what?" Lola asked placing her hands on Jay's cheeks so he could turn and face her.

"What is it?"

"Yesterday we spent the night with Grandpa cause Mommy went out with Aunt Kim and he let me watch as many Barbie videos as wanted too. Can I do that tonight too?"

Now Jay felt something else was going on. There's no way that Kim Ruzek would go out two nights in a row leaving Adam in charge of their kids. No one would leave him in charge for that long. Last time he was, their son had a mohawk.

Voight wasn't helping this situation either. He never approved of them getting together, even if he said he was 'okay' with it, and then their wedding in Vegas had him not speaking to either for a good week or two. Now he's watching Jay's kids without Jay even knowing. At work Voight is silent to him. Giving him the slum work to do like paperwork and what not while everyone else is actually out in the field. Jay was getting to the point were he believed Voight was gonna switch him to another division so Erin could come back to Intelligence.

"We will see, Baby Girl. Okay?" Jay didn't make any promises pushing the front door open. "You guys go watch TV and I'll get dinner ready." Lola and Aidan agreed, but Shelby refused.

"I'm not eating that." She pointed the microwaveable chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese that Jay was preparing. "It looks gross."

"Well that's what dinner is. You can eat it or starve." Jay didn't really buy anything else for dinner. He had some frozen meal that he'd eat later but besides that, this was the kids dinner.

"Wait till I tell Mom that you made me starve."

"You know what, Shelby." Jay grew tired of it. "I know you're hurt and all because of whatever your mother has said about me but I do not deserve this."

"You did this, not mom." Shelby continued her glare.

"I did this? I know you this you're an adult and can decide everything in the world but it doesn't work that hat way. I'm your father, you treat me with respect. If you can't do that then go sit in the bedroom till you think you can."

The look on Shelby's face indicated that she was in her break down mode. Jay patiently waited for it to happen and it did. Shelby bursted into tears, crying "You don't get it Dad! Mom is hurt! Do you know she cries every night?"

Jay was unsure where this was all coming from. Shelby was young, too young to really notice anything going on between her parents, at least in Jay's eyes. But maybe he was wrong. Maybe they all know something is going on and are doing their bests to ignore it. "Shelbs," Jay walked around and just wrapped his daughter tightly in his arms. "This is nothing for you to worry about, understand? This is on me and your mother."

"But,"

"No buts," Jay kissed her forehead. "Baby, what's happening has nothing to do with any of you. This is a mess that your Mom and I need to figure out and we will. If that means we won't be together so what."

"Dad you need to be together. Mom is too sad."

"Then let me deal with it, okay? Don't worry your pretty little mind, Baby. Things will work out if they are supposed too. You worry about kids things and let me deal with this."

But how he would deal with it was beyond him. In the mean time he texted Erin informing her about Shelby's breakdown.

She didn't respond, so he just went along with the nightly routine of dinner and a movie.

"Off to bed you two." Jay spoke softly as Lola was out cold in his arms. "I let you guys head to bed later than normal and your mom will kill me if she knew."

Plus Jay was hoping to catch the rest of the basketball game and drink a beer in the fridge that he desperately needed.

"But daddy," Aidan let out a complained. "I'm not tired," He yawned.

"Oh really bud? Then you can just lay there and not sleep." Jay smiled softly. "Off to bed, go."

"But it's early and I'm so much older than him that I should get to go to bed later than him." Shelby sat in her chair that usually occupies Will. "It's only fair. He's a baby after all."

"I'm not a baby! I'm six!" Aidan huffed. "Lola's the baby!"

"Neither of you are babies and both of you are going to bed, now!" Jay gave them a little shove to the guest bedroom. It was a tight fit. Aidan and Shelby sleep on the full sized bed with Lola crashing on the floor on a make shift air mattress. It was small but Jay did what he had to do. "Good night you two."

"Night." They both responded with a yawn that mumbled their voices.

Now it was time for his night.

 _"I'm all alone, but you're on my phone  
_ _Tellin' me you miss me and that you're at home  
_ _Who knows what we are in the mornin'  
_ _All I know is I want you_

"What the fuck, ref he was there!" Jay yelled at the television knowing all three of his kids sleep through anything.

Jay's attention was on the televised sporting event that he didn't realize his phone was vibrating on the kitchen counter until he walked to get his fifth beer of the night. He was coherent to help his kids but it was enough to relax him.

Looking unsurely at the phone, Jay hit accept bringing the phone up to his ear. "Hello?" He spoke questioningly, unsure of really why the person will be calling him in the first place.

" _Hi,"_ Her voice was shaky and soft. " _I'm sorry."_

Jay just looked even more confused. "Sorry? Erin what is really going on."

 _"Come see me?"_ She questioned. " _Please Jay? I need you."_

Jay knew right there Erin was upset and or drunk. Her words were mumbled and she stumbled slightly over some of them, everything she does when she's upset. "Erin don't do this." Jay sighed. He wanted to run, quickly as he could, to wherever Erin was at this exact moment in time but he had three sleeping kids with him. "Don't string me along and not even give me an exact answer."

 _"I can't give you one, Jay."_ Erin let out a deep sigh, " _One that is good enough."_

 _"_ That's not good enough. I'm not doing this back and forth, no matter how hard it is for me not to go there right now. Give me one damn good reason why this isn't working?"

 _"I need you, isn't that enough, at least for now?"_ Erin pleaded sighing at his discontent to do as she said. " _Please, Jay."_

"Erin don't do this to me. Don't fucking do this to me."

 _"Can't I just apologize and we go back to how it was?"_

"Nothing will be back to the way it was. You didn't even give me one fucking reason, Erin. Just stated you wanted a divorce. You know how much that fucking sucks? You can think of all these reasons but in reality they're just assumptions because I may never even know the truth. So don't fucking string me along in some drunken stupor because you can."

 _"I'm sorry, Jay, God, I'm so fucking sorry. You just don't get it."_

"Don't get what? I just don't get how my wife one day just keeps drifting further and further away. I fought, and fought hard but nothing is good enough for you, Erin, is it? Nothing's good for you unless Voight approves."

 _"Don't bring him into this."_ Erin mumbled, _"Please he's trying to help."_

 _"_ Help? Instead of asking me to have the kids you gave them to him. Instead of discussing things with me, you went to him. Everything goes back to him."

 _"I needed someone there, Jay."_

 _"_ Because you wouldn't let me, Erin." Jay knew they were getting no where in this conversation. "Just I'll see you when you get here tomorrow."

" _I didn't want to depend on you."_ Erin huffed out her answer, " _I depended on you enough, I wanted to do this myself."_

"Do what exactly, Erin? As far as I can tell nothing has really been done and what was done was definitely not done independently."

 _"You don't get it, do you?"_

"Don't get what? I'm not sure what I don't get because you won't tell me, Erin."

With a giant sigh and trying to control her emotions Erin continued, " _I was independent growing up. Then Voight came around and I had to depend on him. Then I got on my feet and got into the academy and finally into the Intelligence Unit. Then I get my dream job. The job was the one thing I did myself. I worked my ass off for the opportunity for the task force and instead of congratulating me you told me to turn it down just like that. I left work because of the kids- and I enjoyed that- but after ten years of being home I wanted to do something for me and I tried. I got that job and I turned it down because of you."_

"Erin," the guilt hit Jay hard. He knew he should've just listened to her when the whole FBI job came on the table but it was a shock to him. He wasn't prepared, especially if it meant Erin leaving them for sometimes more than a week.

 _"No,"_ Erin interrupted him. " _I get to speak."_ She paused gaining her thoughts back. " _Everyday you get to do it. You got to go out there and do what you love to, Jay. I was stuck inside being surrounded by all these cookie-cutter, private school mother's who loved that they didn't need to work and I hated it because I wanted to work. I wanted to be back in the field and the one opportunity I got, you took it from me without even considering it."_

"Because the kids.."

" _They would be fine with it."_ Erin stated calmly, " _They would've been fine because they don't need us as much anymore. They're independent and I know you would pick up some slack if I had to go away. This was my one chance to get back into it and I wasn't even good enough for it in your eyes. I grew resentful. Wouldn't you?"_

"Growing resentful does not end up with you kicking me out, Erin."

 _"It does when things build, Jay. Things pile on top of other issues. I am sorry for my role in that, truly I am. Talking to Kim made me realize that, and other things."_

 _"_ Like what? Just continue to knock down everything I think?"

 _"That's not what I'm doing, not at all. Just listen to me, okay? I just.."_ She paused, " _I need to be more than just a mom. I love being a mom but I need more than it. I was the girl on the streets, I was Voight's daughter, I was a detective and now I'm a mom. Can't I be more than one?"_

"So come back to intelligence instead of having Voight shove me out of it." It was a simple idea because in reality Voight never replaced Erin in the team. There was always a spot for her to return.

 _"I don't know if he'll let me."_ Erin nervously spoke. " _He's gone a little protective lately, but I think I'd like that."_ After moments of silence on the phone, Erin spoke again. " _I want you to come home, Jay. I need you, I miss you. The kids need you here."_

"Maybe, but we need to do this slowly." Jay chugged another beer. The request for moving things slowly was purely for his benefit, and no one else. He needed to have some confirmation that she was on board with it all again. "Promise me this isn't some drunk confession time, Erin."

" _I had like three drink tonight Jay. I'm buzzed, yes, but drunk no. I needed the little ping of confidence to do this."_ Erin laughed softly. " _Check your phone."_

Quickly and curiously, Jay pulled up his messages and almost dropped his phone right there. "Do not do this to me, Erin." He gritted his teeth trying to calm his emotions. "You can't send shit like that anymore."

Erin knew what she was doing though. She was teasing him to the extreme. Maybe it was a form of payback but Jay would never complain about it. " _What? I thought you like me in red lace."_

"I do when I can take it off you." Jay hissed. "You should be glad Will's not here?"

 _"And why may I be glad? I mean there's no kids here and an apartment to myself. What shall I do?"_

"Fuck," Jay mumbled. The extreme hot and cold behavior he was use to, but this form of make up- when they should be working on their relationship- was different. Jay knew their sex life depleted a little. They, before kids, fucked everywhere their heart contented them too. Then kids came along and someone always needed something and alone time was non existing. Just then Jay's dream came true. Will came walking through the door. "I'll be right there."

 _"I'll be waiting."_ Erin stated with a bit of confidence.

"Will I need a favor." Jay knew he'd need to plead with his brother, "Can you watch the kids? They're sleeping so it will be easier."

"Why?" Will smirked knowing it had to be extreme especially since he heard the last part of the phone call. "Is a little lady friend wanting you at her beck and call?"

"Erin wants to talk, so I said we can go talk." Jay left out about the other shit. Will did not need to know that part. "Please? I'll owe you one for this."

 _"_ Fine. At least one of us will get laid." Will stole the rest of Jay's beer.

With a quick thank you, Jay was out the door sprinting almost to the apartment he and Erin bought with their family in mind.

By the time Jay made it to his once old now once again new home he was antsy, a little buzzed from the beer and scared of what will happen. He was nervous about the what ifs. What if Erin wakes up in the morning and nothing changed from how it was already? What if it was a mistake? What if it makes it all worse? But those thoughts went out the window the moment Erin opened the door greeting him in a silk robe that landed at her upper thigh.

"Took you long enough." Erin responded opening the door further and taking a sip of wine from the wine glass in her hand. It was that slight boost of confidence that she needed to make things work, to take the time to actually discuss her 'issues' with Jay without anger or hurt.

"Well I had to be responsible and find care for our children." He shot right back in a not as nice tone. "Will was nosey." He shrugged. "Sorry."

"Want something to drink?" Erin questioned being polite to her 'guest' like Hank and Camille always told her to be.

"Can we just get down to this talking, Er? Enough with the dilly dally." Jay walked up behind her. It's been months since he's actually seen his wife standing in front of him like this. Lately, before the separation, pajamas consisted of over sized shirts and her hair pulled into a messy bun- nothing like how Erin was now.

"Someone's feisty." Erin chugged the rest of her wine, allowing it to burn her throat as she swallowed it. Again, she needed more confidence.

Now with this confidence she made her move. Moving over to where Jay was leaning against the countertop of the kitchen island, she attacked him with her mouth, kissing his with such passion that they lacked in their relationship for months. She wanted to make up for it, to erase the last month or so from her memory and go back into a time where they were happy.

He shortly followed her, being the one dominating their kisses as he lifted her up into his arms and placed her on top of the island. "You sure about this Erin?" Jay pulled away. "I need to know that this isn't just a random hook-up and that tomorrow things would go back to me living with Will and you here. I want to be back here, with you and with them. I want our family back."

"I'm positive, Jay." Erin nodding in agreement kissing him again. When her lips are on his she feels this spark, this ignition, that drives their relationship. Kissing him right there and then gave her that spark again.

"Then I'm not going anywhere." Jay smiled softly before lifting her up and guiding her towards their bedroom and slammed the door with great force behind him.

 _Try not to think about you  
_ _But it ain't workin'  
_ _Why put out a fire that's burnin'_


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary:** Sometimes that little spark is still there waiting to burn again.

 **Disclaimer:** I own nothing.

 **The idea came from the song "I'm Coming Over" by Chris Young, lyrics also by him and of course it had to be a Jay and Erin story. I hope you all enjoy this! Please review!**

 **So I decided to continue this one shot and make it into something more after rereading it and determining that in real life no one gets back like that. There will be struggle, happy times and sad times. So here we go with Chapter Two!**

 **Still Burning  
** **Chapter** **2**

 _"Momma we can't wake Uncle Will up. He's snoring loudly. Maybe he needs to go to the doctor's."_ Lola declared as she spoke over the answering machine that sent echoes through the apartment _"Daddy's not asleep on the couch either. Momma where's daddy? Did he leave again?"_

 _"He didn't leave you nimrod! He's with Mom!"_ Shelby spoke in a demeaning tone.

 _"Don't call me a Nimrod!"_

 _"Well you are!"_ Shelby screamed before the answering machine beeped ending the phone call.

"And there goes a peaceful morning." Jay sighed awakening from his peaceful sleep. "I should probably get back there."

"They can wait?" Erin questioned it. "Will's capable."

"That's not what you said last night." Jay frowned slightly snapping at her. He was trying so hard to get over everything, push it all behind him to make his relationship with the one girl he loves more than anything in the world but it still comes crashing back. The emotions, the wondering, the heartache. It was all there just now buried slightly under a thin layer of love that was growing again.

"Still going back to that after last night?" Erin pulled away from him. She expected them to just ignore the past month and focus on the future.

"It's not like that." Jay hesitated. Jay was positive he wanted to go back to the way things were but there was something holding him back. What if this happened again? What if every time Erin's mad or holding something over his head they will resort to this? It wasn't healthy to think that nor will it be helpful for the future.

"Then what is it like, Jay, because I did everything correctly."

"Correctly?" Jay stared at her, "I don't think what you did was done correctly."

With an eye roll, Erin pulled the blanket from covering both of their naked bodies from the drafty old warehouse windows in their building leaving Jay exposed. "Give me a break Jay."

"This is what I fucking mean Erin. You're hot and then your cold. What do you want? What the fuck do you want?"

"I told you yesterday what I wanted." She mumbled biting her lip softly as she did whenever she was nervous. Jay made her nervous yet comfortable at the same time. It was a balance that she accepted gracefully. It was a bad habit, to bite her lip, and even Jay warned her the moment Shelby picked it up but she couldn't help it. The pain she felt from biting it relaxed her and calmed her nerves. All the focus left her mind about what she was nervous and uncomfortable with.

"Not really. You said you messed up that's it." Jay yelled back sitting up before climbing out of bed and quickly finding his clothes around the area. He sighed within himself that he fell for it, once again. He couldn't really define why he did, maybe it was hope? The hope that he'd be with the one he loves, be with his kids every day instead of whenever some judge that neither of them new in family court would decide what is the best schedule for them. "We were supposed to talk, Erin and I think we need to. I need answers, especially why the kids where with Voight on Friday."

"So what? I did mess up." She confessed in a way that Jay didn't know if she truly admitted it to herself that she did mess up or that she did ruin it herself by not knowing how to communicate her feels to him. Jay did have a part in it but he placed most of the blame on her. "I admitted it," Erin spoke, "and why can't that be enough? Them being with him is him wanting them. That's it." She finished with an eye roll. "Gosh, can't he see them ever?"

"And you still are." Jay hissed venomously. He we hurting and the way to solve his hurt was to hurt her back. It wasn't the most adult way to deal with it but Jay was getting tired doing things properly so to speak because it wasn't helping. He gave her space, talked to her through a fucking lawyer but it wasn't enough. "He can see them but shouldn't I get them first if your going out doing god knows what with God knows who because I'm damn sure Kim would never let Adam watch their kids two nights in a row. Who where you with Erin? Who the fuck were you with?"

"I was with Kim, is that hard to believe?" Erin may have been lying or she may have been telling the truth but Jay will never know. Erin had this picture in her mind about how it would happen. They would continue on with Jay home next to her all the time from now on but her mind didn't imagine this would happen. There was no image of the pain she saw in his face, the hurt that she just wanted to make it go away but she had no way to do so. She caused it and couldn't erase that damage like she hoped. So she pushed him away, shoving him emotionally away from her. She did it a lot in the beginning weeks and months when she moved in to the Voight's residence as a teen. It was easier than working through everything. "Just go home Jay."

"If I want to be correct, this is my house and I can continue to stay here." Jay hissed. "If you want to fucking fix this then try. Don't give me this shit of building up these fucking walls Erin. I'm trying, trying so fucking hard for you. Gosh, don't you ever realize how fucking difficult you make things?"

"And I can easily get your ass out of here, Jay." Erin hissed shoving on an old Chicago Bears shirt that she knew was his from when she was pregnant with Shelby all those years ago and refused to buy bigger clothes because his fit her so comfortably with her ever expanding stomach. "Get the fuck out. I'll text Will to meet me somewhere to get the kids later because them being with you is not exactly working and I don't think I want to see you."

"Text him? They're our kids! I can keep them from you just like you've been doing to me." He ran his hand through his hair. His level of aggravation grew whenever she opened her mouth. "If you wanna be that much of a bitch, fine. But don't you ever fucking threaten to keep them away because you know what, Erin? I'm a damn good father to them. I deserve to see them all the time like you see them."

"Whatever you think, Jay." Erin rolled her eyes because during their month separation she researched custody in Illinois. She researched long and heard because she was angry and wanted "payback" against him. There was no way he'd be granted full custody or even 50/50 with Erin and Jay rotating every week with who has the kids because of his long, not predictable hours. He should be happy she was willing to give him every other weekend.

"You are something else, you know that? I would've never imagined that you could turn into a bitch like your mother but look at you. All you need is the alcohol and the drugs again and you'd be a perfect mirror image." It was a lowball threat that he just pulled but he was angry and hurt and just didn't care anymore.

"Don't you ever compare me to her!" That hit her hard. All her life she tried so hard to be better parent's and a better human being than either of her parent's. Jay knew this. She cried to him the first night she got drunk after Shelby was born because she was so pissed at her self for getting drunk- never mind the fact that it was New Years Eve and Shelby was almost a year old at that point. She barely touched any alcohol usually. Just a beer here or there or maybe even one or two glasses of wine when she was out to dinner. Erin pushed herself to never be like her and she was proud of the fact that she wasn't like her Mother. "I am nothing like her at all!"

"No, you're an even bigger bitch then she is." Jay hissed. He dealt with Bunny countless times, even when Erin wrote her off only to have Bunny prance back the moment Shelby was born to try and take on the role of Grandmother of the Year to all her friends. "Start looking at yourself because this person you are now is not the one I fell in love with."

Erin just simply shrugged her shoulders. She didn't know how to respond to that. Does she say "people change over time" or " people grow apart". It was weird because she didn't feel like that. She just felt the walls expanding around her, emotionally blocking her from feelings.

"If you want to fix this fucking mess then try because at this point you are once again pushing me the fuck away." He was more reasonable at this time surprisingly. "Do whatever you have to do to try and fix this because Erin there's a time when a person can only take so much of your shit and leave. I'm getting really close to that leaving mark." He didn't want to argue anymore because it was getting them no where so he left but paused before to remove the one thing that's been in place since Erin was four months pregnant with Shelby, his wedding ring. The silver ring was a sign of love and devotion but he was feeling it anymore. He was feeling emotionless about it all. He placed the ring on the dresser with one last comment. "You know what Erin? I fucking believed you last night and yet again we are back to were we started. When you figure out what the fuck you want from me, let me know because it may be too late."

Erin didn't respond but as soon as she heard the slamming of the door she sunk to the ground. This wasn't what she wanted but why was she pushing him so hard. She didn't understand it not did she realize she was doing it until that ring came off his finger. That broke her completely.

 **-CPD-**

"Daddy!" Lola sashayed over to him with a look that he's received from Erin countless times she was made at him. The pout, the way her eyebrows formed a "v" shape on her forehead. "Yous in trouble!"

"Why am I in trouble?" Jay questioned trying not to show his mood. They didn't deserve it nor did he want to take it out on them.

"You not here when I woke up!" She pointed her figure in his face when he lifted her into his arms.

"Well I'm sorry for that, Buttercup. I went and got breakfast." Jay smiled at his back up plan holding up a box of donuts. He knew he had to stop and get something because if the kids knew the truth there would be questions that he did not want to answer. "And I think there's a sprinkled one in there for you."

"Daddy got donuts!" Lola screamed running off with the box towards the television where Shelby and Aidan sat watching some cartoon. "And Shelby doesn't get any cause she called me a Nimrod!"

"Share Lola." Jay gave her that look that all parents give their kids when they're misbehaving.

"Hahahaha" Shelby stuck her tongue out at her little sister.

"Cut it out, both of you." Jay didn't want to deal with anything, especially the girls, his girls, fighting.

"Damn, you don't look so good." Will slapped his brother's back. "Was it a good night or bad?"

"Started off good and ended badly. I'll explain later." Jay didn't want to discuss it with little ears around. "Just know I may become a permanent resident to your guest room."

"Fuck man."

"Language!" Jay warned him. He didn't need Lola or Aidan running back to Erin cursing up a storm.

"Dude, what did you do?" Will questioned. "I mean you go to fix things, fool around and end up making things worse. Fix it."

"Kind of hard to do at this point." Jay looked down not giving eye contact because he was embarrassed. This was his whole life-his wife and kids- and now he gave up on his wife.

Then the door started to be pounded on and Jay expected this. His guess it was either Adam, being the best guess, or Voight threatening to kill him. Either way it is not going to end positively.

"Every time I have a knock on my damn door it ends up being someone here for you." Will mumbled placing his coffee cup on the table and walked slowly and tiredly towards the front door. Opening it he was startled. "Jay!"He didn't want to inform him it was Voight was here because Will knew Jay would refuse to come to the door.

With a deep breath, Jay walked slowly towards the front door to receive a glare from Voight who stood on the other side. "Fuck" he mumbled under his breathe. He got along with Hank just fine but after this morning he knew Erin would probably call Voight. It was obvious.

"You and me need to have a little talk. Let's go." Hank hissed in his raspy voice. He was cold to Jay because he was protecting Erin. He's been her protector since she was a young kid on the streets. Hank offered Jay to become that but now he's letting him down. "Now."

"I am not doing this now." Jay stood firm in position near the doorway. "I don't have anything to say to you that will change anything. This is all between Erin and me. It's time she fought her own battles, Voight "

"What the hell did you do to her Halstead?" Hank wondered out loud. He showed up at the younger Halstead's apartment after receiving a very cryptic message from Erin filled with tears and mumbles that he didn't understand so he went to the source, against Erin's wishes. She wanted him to get her the best damn lawyer who would not fight fairly when it came to custody because she was hurt. Instead of following up with that, he went to the source of her pain- Jay.

"It's what she did, not me. She's made this mess and it's time we let her figure it out."

"Papa!" Aidan yelled running towards the front door causing Jay to silently curse for not shutting it. "Are you still mad at my daddy cause you yelling at him?"

Little kids are very perceptive and Jay noticed it constantly but he also knows how to keep things hissed from them. "Back inside Aidan, now." Jay insisted on it.

"But Daddy," Aidan frowned deciding he did not like his father's decision at all. "Papa is here."

"True me I know that." Jay shoved the young boy slightly inside before closing the door behind him. "If you came to fight Erin's battles think again Voight because for once she needs to do them herself."

That was the opposite of what Hank planned on doing when he found himself on his son-in-law's door steps early this morning. He came to reason with Jay, something Hank himself never does but he didn't want either of them suffering, nor did he want his grandchildren having to go through the possibility of having divorced parents. He came and spoke to Jay first simply because he's not as stubborn as Erin and would somewhat listen to him. "Not at all. I came to knock some sense into one of you. This little fight is ridiculous and is interfering with work. Work it out by the end of the month or one of you is being transferred. Erin's coming back. She requested it this morning. You bet your ass I'm gonna make you two partners again. Maybe sitting in a damn car will knock some sense into one of you because it seems like you both are too stubborn to try." With that Hank was done. He never did this "give support" family man guy. He was a keep emotions tucked behind walls-like Erin. But once in a while those emotions have to be seen to really understand the person and that needed to be now.

"I told her what she had to do, it's up to her to do it." Jay turned on his heels after calling after Hank. He walked back inside and didn't know what to do anymore. Everyone was fighting for him to make it right but he was trying. Trying so damn hard to make it right but Erin fought it. She fought it in his eyes. Maybe enough is enough?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary:** Sometimes that little spark is still there waiting to burn again.

 **Disclaimer:** I own nothing

After the amazing news Jesse had for all the fans yesterday, I managed to finish this chapter because I was so happy that it's official, Jophia is together. I wonder how many other "date nights" have happened before.

I hope you all enjoy and please inform me with reviews. They help me write quicker because it gives me inspiration.

 **Still Burning**

 **Chapter Three**

Erin didn't know what she wanted though. Why does life have to be complicated? She loved Jay, gosh more than anything but life and her kids and her feelings got in the way of that. Hank warned her time and time again prior to her marriage that weddings are fun and all but marriage are a work in progress all the time, you never stop working to make it better. She believed him but in her mind they were perfect.

Till one day it just hit her that they acted like roommates more than a married couple. Jay worked late nights and woke up early to go back into work again. And Erin she got up early, having not been able to fall asleep after awakening to Jay's alarm, and went into mom mode. Getting the kids dressed, fed, teeth brushed and off to school on time for returning home to clean and prepare for whatever needed to be done kid free. He took on the role of financial supporter and she took on the role of supporting the house from the inside.

By that point there was not intimacy. No alone time because nights usually were filled with a kid needing something or being awakened to a foot in your gut when Lola decides that there is a monster under the bottom bunk of the bunk beds she shares with Shelby that climbs up the ladder without waking Shelby up. And dates where non existing because finding a babysitter took money, and then planning something. Hank watched the kids but with Jay still working for Hank, hours of availability where once again irregular. It wasn't worth it when Erin didn't really know when Jay would officially be home.

There was no them left, no Halstead and Lindsay, no partners (married and working). They were redefined in these roles that neither imagined they'd be in.

Erin knew she should've discussed it with Jay when she fist saw the problems begin but it wasn't her to do that. She didn't know how to express her feelings towards him without feeling idiotic of embarrassed for feeling this way. It was new to her and new things terrified her completely.

Erin busied herself around the apartment packing up the rest of Jay's clothing and random crap that was left around the apartment. As well as putting the finishing touches on the Christmas decorations. Jay gave up on them the moment he gave her his ring back. Erin gave up hope.

The decorations were the worst to put up. The tree was done the previous weekend, but the rest was still needed. Pictures from previous holidays were to be placed out for every one to see, especially the ten years of Santa pictures were each one had a crying kid and one parent in it till last year. This year she didn't know when the picture will be taken.

The feeling where there still but the hurt and pain that came from him removing his ring made it sink in that she messed up and there's no going back from this. This was her fault and she was going to accept the consequences of it. She didn't know how to fix it or if it was even worth fixing.

Till she got a message from Jay that made her stop dead in her tracks.

"Next time you have issues with me, tell me don't tell Hank. He has no part in this. This is on you Erin. Fix yourself and then hopefully we can fix us."

Was this his peace offering? A little sign of hope that things will get better? She didn't know but she did know she needed help.

Erin never admits when she needed it. She was stubborn and strong willed. She would never resort to being desperate enough, at least in her mind, to need counseling. Counseling was for people not strong enough and Erin thought she was strong enough. She thought she could handle the world on her shoulders. But maybe this time the world was cracking on her shoulders, crushing her.

Reading his message again, and then once again Erin found the courage to call for help. It she needed help. She knew it. She needed someone to help her see that being a mother doesn't mean that she is incompetent to be anything else, that she should not be furious with Jay for continuing his career and continuing to support his family. She needed to accept it but she needed help with that.

She called him, praying silently that he'd answer her or at least not yell at her when he answered but he didn't. He hit ignore and she gave up for now deeming that he probably needs to calm down.

Till she got another text message.

"Taking the kids to the park and then Lola wanted to see Santa at the mall. I do not want to discuss anymore issues in front of them. You can meet us if you want."

He gave her an olive branch and she was going to take it.

A quick text message back from her informed him that she will gladly come, after all pictures with Santa were always her favorite thing to do with her kids. Even though it's just after thanksgiving, she knew it be crazy.

Throwing on an outfit that consisted of yoga pants and an oversized Army Ranger hoodie, which made her realize that once again she was wearing his clothes, and then a heavy coat to protect herself from the cold, she was out the door.

The walk to the park was not bad. It was quick, only one block away but it was Aidan's favorite place. The cold was something one does not get use too. It was freezing but the kids never realized as they ran around the playground equipment.

That's when Erin spotted Jay sitting on the bench across from her. She had to fight the nerves of going over there and just discussing everything like nothing was wrong but that was impossible when something was wrong between them.

"Hot chocolate?" He questioned holding up the to go cup from her favorite coffee place that was on the way from Will's apartment to the park. "Shelby stated we all needed it."

"Thanks," she grabbed it and sat down near him. She distanced herself on the bench, the space between them could be used to demonstrate them actually growing apart but she didn't mention anything. "I thought about what you said."

He looked over from the kids to her, kinking his eyebrow and nodding a response. He wasn't going to talk, he told himself that before. He was going to let her talk and just listen to what she had to say.

"I want to get help, and I don't ever admit that. You know that." Erin sucked in a breath before looking from her kids, who haven't seemed to notice she joined them, back to Jay. "I want that help but I want you there."

"I told you what I needed." Jay gave short, sweet answers.

"And I'm asking for you to be there with me. The last time I was in counseling, Jay, was when Nadia died. I had you there then and I need you there now."

"Why?" Jay questioned sipping the hot chocolate. "Why now?"

"Because," she paused staring at Lola, Aidan and Shelby, "because I don't think I can do it on my own. I'm not strong enough. You make me strong enough- if that makes sense."

"This is something you need to do on your own Erin."

"Whys that? I admitted I need your help Jay. I want to get better yet you keep pushing me away."

"Sounds familiar, huh?" He smirked proud of his response.

"Really? I'm asking for help. The old Jay would help me and anyone in need of it."

"Well people change Erin. It happens when you are pushed and shoved constantly." He ignored her look of pain on her face.

He's never denied her something like this before. The moment Erin needed help when Nadia had died Jay made it known he'd be there. But now, twelve years later he wanted little to do with it.

Erin understood his anger, just as much as she understood her own anger to him. She didn't justify it, what one feels is how they feel and there's no changing that. She could just change how she reacted to it. "I guess I'll just inform you when it is." She shrugged him off hoping that her comment was good enough for him.

"You do that." Jay sipped his hot chocolate, ignoring Erin's face. If he looked at her he'd give in and agree to help her. After discussing the mess with Will quietly, Will told him to let her deal with it. That Jay can not be the one fixing Erin every single time. She needs to grow strong enough to learn to fix herself. For some reason, Jay agreed with him.

"Mommy! You here!" Lola skipped over towards the cold mental bench. "You coming to see Santa with us?"

"I wouldn't miss it for the world, Baby Girl." Erin plastered a smiled once again on her face as she brushed Lola's tangled locks out of her eyes.

"Like my dress?" Lola unzipped her jacket showing off a red dress that sparkled in the sun light. "It sparkles Mommy! Shelby convinced Daddy that we needed new special outfits to wear. Daddy says we can wear them when we go to the cabin for Christmas!"

Erin looked over at Jay. She didn't know he made plans for Christmas, let alone would be the one taking the kids away from her for Christmas.

"We going with Uncle Will and maybe Grandpa James!"

Now Erin kinked her brow staring at him. She knew Jay's history with his father and the limited contact with the elder Halstead. Jay smirked back and simply stated "I can have my kids for Christmas. It's time to start a new tradition. Maybe going away will be good."

Erin told Lola to go play for a little longer because she's wondering about the elder Halstead. The man didn't make it to their wedding because of a fishing trip, nor did he manage to make it to see any of their three kids when they were born or even shortly after that. He wasn't interested in Jay's life so why would he be now? "So your dad?"

"People change as you said." Jay shrugged it off. "He hasn't officially said if he's coming, Erin. It's just talk right now but Will, me and my kids will be there."

"Do you really think that's smart Jay? He barely knows them and besides that, they'll be with me at Hank's like every Christmas. It will be better for them to wake up in their own beds with family."

"And they do have beds at the cabin and they will be with family." Jay sipped his hot chocolate nonchalant. "Just because it's not with your side doesn't mean they're not with family."

"I know that," she paused, "but your father Jay? He couldn't give a shit about any one of them. Now all the sudden he's into you."

"I'm taking the kids with me, Erin." Jay firmly stated. The cabin was his home away from home. It was his relaxing getaway that he used for so many years during his leave from the Army Rangers. It calmed him down. "If you don't like that take it up with the lawyer."

"Back to this?" Erin defended her stance. "I hired one because it was the right process. You know that. Now that I'm trying to fix things I haven't even spoken to him Jay."

"Well make sure you have him on speed dial when you fail." Jay threw his cup into the trash next to him.

"So supportive, aren't you?" Erin sarcastically stated with a simple eye role as she stood her ground. "Maybe a divorce would be easier because you are nothing but a jackass, Jay." Erin didn't want to stand around and let him provoke her even more but she needed to say one final thing, "you're accusing me of being like my mom well maybe you should look in the mirror because you're turning into your dad. No wonder your mom left you guys. It was better off for her."

"She died Erin, do you really think she had a fucking choice in the matter?" Jay couldn't believe that she actually just used his mother's death against him. "Fuck you, Erin."

"You want to compare me to me mom? Well then I'll damn sure find a way to compare you to your dad." Erin knew her comment was a low blow. The way Jay always talked about his mother as if she was on a pedestal was enough to know she was loved by her son. Even Shelby's middle name is to honor his mother, something Jay pushed for hard.

"Mom? Dad?" Shelby froze in her place in front of both her parents. If looks could break a heart, Shelby's would. "You're divorcing?"

"Shelby," Erin started but Jay cut her off. Erin wanted Shelby to know the truth, that sometimes parents divorcing is the best thing but that didn't mean they didn't love her. Them divorcing will be better for all three kids as they wouldn't have to witness arguments again.

"Do not concern yourself with this Shelby." Jay was stern in his voice. "This is an adult conversation."

"You two act more like kids than adults." The ten year old huffed crossing her arms over her chest.

"Enough, Shelby." Jay warned her. "Go grab your brother and sister and tell them it's time to go see Santa."

"You two are a bunch of babies." Shelby stomped off mumbling under her breath.

"This is on you." Jay picked right up again now that little ears were out of the area. "I told you what needed to be done and you didn't want to do it any way but yours. And once again I'll be the bad guy."

"I admitted it, Jay. I begged for help and you brushed it off and made some ass of a comment about me doing it on my own. Well I'm not fucking strong enough for that! Are you happy to hear that. I'm not strong enough because I'm scared that being strong will make me loose you but it seems like I already did." She huffed, the cold air penetrated her bones. "Am I not good enough for you anymore? Am I not good because I'm not strong, because I depend on you? Then so be it, Jay. So fucking be it. I'm tired of it."

Jay stood silent, unsure of how to respond. He fucked this mess up even more and he knew it but he now didn't know how to apologize for it. Should he apologize for taking Will's useless advice? Or for how he didn't offer her the help?

"Mommy?" Aidan spoke freaked out by the fight occurring.

"Give me a minute bud." Not wanting for her kids to see her break down, Erin just walked off for a moment. A moment to cool her self down, to process what just happened. A moment to think. It wasn't that she was running, she needed time to cool off and not snap at Jay in front of the kids.

"Daddy what did you do to mommy? You made her cry." Aidan looked angrily at his father. "Men don't make women cry! Papa told me that."

"Don't worry about her right now, she'll be okay." Jay tried to downplay it. But he knew he was only fooling himself. "Mommy's just emotional right now, guys. She'll be fine." He shrugged it off completely.

"You gotta apologize, dad." Shelby spoke up.

"And give her a hug and a kiss! Mommy makes Aidan and I do that when we mean to each other." Lola nodded her head. "It's the rules!"

"I'm sure she's fine right now, kids." Jay stated. "Why don't you all give her a hug and then we will see Santa?" Hugging his wife or soon to be ex wife would be strange for him. Those emotions would fly back, striking him hard. He needed the distance.

"But we didn't hurt her, you did." Lola stared at Jay. "You gotta make it better daddy."

Knowing the three kids would hound him until he made it better and apologized to Erin, "Go play a little longer" he told them as he tried his best to gain enough courage to walk away from them and over to Erin who sat on a bench facing the soccer and baseball fields. "Erin?"

Jay noticed her face in that moment. Her cheeks were rosy red from the cold and the tears that stained them, her eyes showed weakness and pain as tears continued to fall from them.

"What Jay?" Erin hissed with such venom as a defense. She didn't know if he was going to come over to tare her down again so she protected herself by hissing at him. "Did you come over here to belittle me once again?"

"No," he sighed sitting on the bench next to her. "What happened to us, Erin?" He asked so serious. "We never would've said any of the shit we did. Somethings not right." It wasn't an apology but it was almost like a cry for help, a cry to determine what went wrong between them. "There's so much anger between the two of us I just don't know any more."

"Is that your apology?" Erin looked up with her tears still falling.

"It's a start." Jay offered a short smile to her. "I am sorry Erin." He gave in to his own wants, ignoring what everyone told him previously. "I really am. I shouldn't have compared you to your mom because you're nothing like her at all." He was sincere. Erin to him was nothing like Bunny Lindsay. Bunny was an ignorant, abusive and neglectful mother. Erin was the opposite. She was hands one, always volunteering at the schools for her kids, cheering them on at any activity the chose to do. She was there when Bunny wouldn't even allowed Erin to be. She over compensated for times she missed out on having a supportive mother around.

Falling in with Jay's apology, Erin grew a back bone and apologized. "I'm sorry I brought up your mother. I know if I got a chance to meet her she'd be an amazing person. Especially if she got to meet the kids. She's be enjoying every single minute with them."

"I know she would." Jay agreed. They sat in silence until Jay spoke again. "Erin?"

"Yeah?" Erin looked up.

"It will be okay." It was a promise Jay was giving her but she didn't believe it.

"I'm not so sure I believe that right now." She said so seriously. "I don't know what to believe right now Jay."

"I'll help you if you need it, Erin but counseling is something you need to do for yourself. Not because I told you too." Jay spoke softly.

"I want to make us work Jay. I want to for us and for them." She turned around to check on the three kids. Aidan was running around like a wild child and Shelby was pushing Lola on the swing. She do anything for them and if fighting to prove her and Jay are good together than so be it.

"Me too Erin." Jay nodded in agreement with her. "I'm serious though. If you want the help, I'll help you get it but you need to do it for you."

"And I'm willing too." Erin stated staring at Jay now.

"We'll figure this out." Jay reached over and grabbed Erin's hand with a tight squeeze.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary:** Sometimes that little spark is still there waiting to burn again.

 **Disclaimer:** I own nothing.

 **Here is, finally, the next chapter! I know, I know, it was delayed but I want you all to know that I actually started writing this a while ago and never finished till now. But now I have and you all can tell me what you think!**

 **Also I have an idea for a new story:**

 _ **Beautiful Drug:**_ **The red dress, lipstick and heals pulled him in and got him hooked. He became addicted and he wanted even more, more than he could know.**

 **^ please let me know what you think if I should actually write it!**

 **Still Burning  
** **Chapter Four**

Jay nervously paced around the city sidewalk outside of the building attached to the local hospital that housed different doctor offices. The tall building made his nerves wreck inside. In there they'd discuss feelings, emotions, their relationship- past and present- and might discuss their family as a whole- kids and all.

It was Friday- a little over two weeks from when they met at the park and took a family outing to the local Santa Claus. Jay decided to take a sick day today. His nerves from the meeting were enough to drive him over the edge, distract him enough to take his mind of of the cases that presented itself over the weekend. It was a plus that they had their monthly parent teacher conference with Aidan's teacher as well as the children's holiday concert at the local elementary school.

Checking his watch, Jay decided enough was enough with waiting in the icy cold weather of the city and made his way inside the lobby and up the elevator to the fourth floor. Opening that door made him even more nervous.

Jay's done the counseling thing- being an Army Ranger who lost many members while serving his country, made it mandatory. He's participated to get into the academy, and to become a detective. But it was never personal, it wasn't because he was going to loose something or someone that meant the world to him.

Jay knew Erin was already in with the counselor, doing her own private counseling session prior to having the couples counseling to fix everything. He informed the secretary, checking himself in before sitting in the small waiting room in those white uncomfortable plastic chairs.

"Jay?" The counselor opened the wooden door. The counselor was an older women who stood almost as tall as Erin. Her hair was streaked with gray and white indicated how stressful this job was or the fact that it was showing her age. "You can come in now. We'll get started shortly. I want to discuss what Erin and I talked about prior to starting in on helping you two."

"Okay," Jay shrugged sitting in a comfortable leather seat that sat adjacent to Erin. This was the moment he took Erin in; actually looking at her and noticing things about her. Erin's once perfection in her day-to-day look must have been thrown out the window for today. Her hair was done naturally- a messy form of waves that fell above her shoulders. Her once loved make up was replaced with a natural look do to her eyes being bloodshot and cheeks stained with tears; a silent indication was the tissues bundled within her right fists. Her outfit was simple, once again Jay's sweatshirt and a pair of skinny jeans that showed off what three kids did to her body and a pair of fur-lined boots covered her feet for warmth. To Jay, she still looked gorgeous.

"Erin would you like to explain?" The counselor asked politely starting the conversation. "Discuss how you're feeling or what we discussed earlier. Anything really, it's up to you."

Jay couldn't help but stare up at the clock and bouncing his leg up and down- something he use to do when the kids wouldn't stop crying as a baby. He didn't want to be there but was there for Erin. The clock helped him count down the minutes left, 59 minutes and counting.

"I guess," Erin paused trying to come up with the perfect way to say things without making Jay go on the defense. Between her and the counselor, the past hour was spent discussing her resentment and how to address it with Jay. It was something that build within her over time and she didn't know how to do it on her own. "I guess…"

"You guess what?" Jay snapped at her. Do to his nerves, Jay was a bit touchy. He didn't mean it, but he didn't want to waste the $100 an hour session on Erin not being able to formulate why she was acting the way she was.

"Jay, let Erin come up with it her own way without you jumping on her please." The counselor became a mediator. "It's important."

"Jay," Erin started to speak once again. This time she had a sentence formed within her mind. A perfect sentence that Erin prayed that it came out how she wanted it to. "I just… I just can't be Erin the mother anymore." It wasn't all she had to say nor was it her perfect sentence (that she was just to scared to repeat allowed for Jay to hear).

"And I said already then do something about it." Jay repeated nonchalantly. "I mean it. We didn't need to come all down here just for you to say that."

"Yeah but I don't think you know." Erin stared at him. "I really don't think you understand. Me going back to the squad- if Hank even lets me- then it's a change for everyone. You'll need to help out more, do more to make sure the kids are at school or picking them up from school if that means leaving work early so be it. There's a change in everything."

"Yeah," Jay went along with it, composing his thoughts. "But all this is you Erin. You're need to change everything that was working out oh so well for the family, a now nonexistent family."

"Okay, let's back up a little." The counselor butted herself into the conversation, leaning her elbows on her knees. "Erin want you to understand her right now, Jay. Listen and just let her speak- please. This is important for her."

"And what? Let her speak all this high and mighty stuff about wanting to be in the field again? Leaving the kids behind with the risk of them loosing both parents because she doesn't want to go through the plan we have? Or is it sit here and let her dream in la-la land that we will just return back to normal since she decided she doesn't want to divorce today?"

"I didn't want to in the first fucking place!" Erin screamed knowing her language wasn't the most appropriate but she was an angry curser that sometimes let words slip when her blood boiled. "I didn't want it at all but you pushed me Jay. You fucking pushed me to the edge with your refusal to change or see anything wrong."

"Okay," The counselor once again broke into the conversation before it got too far once again. "I think you both want to try and understand each other but screaming and cursing is not going to help. Being an adult means being able to talk through a conversation instead of screaming. Let's start at the beginning, shall we?"

Jay shrugged his shoulders and Erin nodded brushing the tears away from her cheeks.

"Okay, Erin when was the first time you felt resentment towards Jay, or maybe going back further- maybe any resentment towards anyone in general. It's important to recognize it."

"I guess with Jay it came when everyone was discussing their day with drinks at Molly's and I was not invited because of said kids. I got forgotten about in the shuffle and it seemed Jay didn't even want to come home anymore. Shelby was in her sassy five-year-old stage, Aidan was a terror at two and Lola was I think three or four months." Erin looked at her hands, really thinking about things. "I was alone all the time. My company was my kids. I had no one."

Jay didn't even remember that time because he's been to Molly's countless times and also, it's been half a decade between then and now. "Why would one incident of me going to Molly's with probably Ruzek and Atwater have anything to do with you resenting me? I let you have time off to hang with Burgess, isn't that the same thing?"

"Maybe it was for you, Jay but think of Erin. Home with three young children and her friends are moving on without her, friends she spent daily with until what, your son was born?" The counselor assumed. "Say you had Erin's job, because raising three kids is a job, and your friend's started pushing you away, not inviting you to things because out of sight out of mind, right? Well Erin felt hurt from this and it was the ground work for the resentment."

Nor really believing that going out once would cause such resentment to build, Jay voiced his opinion. "So you're telling me this is all my fault? Putting the blame on me when Erin caused some also. If she told me she wanted to go to work again, fine we'd make it work. But no, she never said anything at all."

"I shouldn't have too." Erin spoke. "You should've known."

"I'm not a fucking mind reader, Erin."

"Jay, please resort to not using that language in here or within a conversation with your wife."

"I'm sorry but she assumes all the damn time. It's like I'm supposed to know when to help out or do this or that? How was I supposed to know?"

"Because I might have not said it but I damn sure gave you clues." Erin hissed. "Jay, Hank was more there for me than you were. You're a great father- I won't deny that- but you're in a fog as soon as you get home, if you even get home in time to see them."

"Don't you dare tell me that. I made sure I was home almost every fucking night." He wasn't going to sit here and take that, he knew it wasn't true. His father disengaged from himself and Will, why in God's name would he do that to his own kids?

"Okay, now." The counselor spoke. "We have five more minutes left in this session and I would really appreciate if you two both came back in a week and we worked through this more. Till then I have some homework for you. Tonight I want you two to go on a date. Just the two of you- no kids. During this time, get to know each other again. Find out each other's interests and hobbies are again; relive those dating years."

"You expect us to be calm and dandy by tonight?" Jay spoke apprehensively.

"Well Erin did tell me you both have to focus on the kids this afternoon, and that may help letting your minds relax from this conversation. Put it all on the back burner and start fresh. One date a week make it. Next week we will pick up from were we ended and discuss how the date went. Focus on each other with no distractions- it will help if you allow it too."

Erin and Jay both looked at her like she had eight heads, neither believing it but willing to try.

"I have one more thing before you two can leave." The counselor smiled softly at them both, "Jay I'm going to ask you a question and Erin I'm going to ask you the same one too."

Erin and Jay looked at each other and then the counselor.

"Jay, when you look to the future, do you still see yourself with Erin?"

Jay nodded in agreement, "Of course I do. Why wouldn't I?"

The counselor wrote quick notes down and turned her attention to Erin, "Erin, do you see Jay?"

"Yes," Erin responded simply.

"Then we will figure this out and make it work. We will strip away the layers and walls put up by both of you and take you back to the beginning again. it will be a lot of work, but I think the two of you can do it."

 **-CPD-**

The uncomfortableness continued to follow them through out the rest of the day. A short break in between seeing each other, left them meeting an hour later at Aidan's parent teacher conference which it was then announce that Aidan's behave had improved slightly over the past week but was not constant enough to have the meetings adjusted to a longer period of time in between them. Aidan was becoming the class clown and he was only in kindergarten.

Next it was on to the holiday concert which Erin knew Shelby prepared for all the previous weekend spending countless amount of minutes on the phone with her two best friends in a three-way phone call to determine what would be deemed an appropriate outfit for their holiday concert. All three deciding on horrible christmas sweaters before Erin made Shelby hang up to get ready to go to Jay's for the night. Aidan on the other hand was making both parent's nervous. The goofy boy was sure enough warned not to act out but with an audience filled with individuals- parents and teachers- made it a dream for him.

"Papa!" Lola's attention was grabbed by Hank who walked over to the three. Lola sprinted passed Jay into Hank's awaiting arms. "Hi Papa!"

"Hey Kid. How are you?"

"Bored to death." Lola dramatically expressed. "I'm too young for this!"

"Didn't they sit through your school play before?" Hank pointed out laughing. "I think you'll be fine siting through theirs."

"If you say so." Lola shrugged her shoulders and slid down from Hank's arms before walking over to Jay. "Daddy, Papa gonna sit with us."

"You two looking mighty close again." Hank whispered in Erin's ear.

"Don't even start, Hank. Not today, please." Erin didn't need to defend or discuss what was happening between husband and wife with the man who became a father to her. She just wanted to get through today and make sure this dinner ends up actually enjoyable.

"I'm just trying to look out for you, Erin." Hank let out a sigh.

"Yeah I don't need you too. I can look out for myself. We'll talk tomorrow, okay?" Erin didn't even look at Hank.

Lola spent the rest of the time sitting quietly with both parent's knowing something was going on but she didn't speak of anything. "Mommy you okay? If not Daddy will make it better." Lola spoke as they exited the school gym after the concert.

"I'm okay Sugar Plum." Erin smiled softly, hoping that will lessen her daughter's worry. "I'll be okay."

"If not daddy goes back into time out at Uncle Will's?"

"Baby," Jay, who originally stayed silent through the conversation, spoke up. "I'm not in time out right now, okay? Mommy and I are just going through some things right now."

"Is that why Uncle Ruzek says you need more in the sack?"

"Do not listen to him, Lola." Erin hushed trying to hid her laughs because she knew Lola had no clue what she just said meant. "Okay, you're going to go with Papa for the night."

"Papa will give me ice cream for dinner." Lola shook her hips, flaunting her sassy attitude. "He always does."

"And that is something that will never happen again since you spilled my secrets. What happens at Papa's…"

"Stays at Papa's." Lola completed the sentence. "Come on I have so many movies to tell you all about Paps! Stop being an old man!"

"You heard her." Erin laughed loudly. "Bye old man. I'll pick them up tomorrow morning?"

"Watch it, I determine if you get that job again." He walked away.

"Shelby and Aidan get out in two hours, Hank. Don't forget!" Erin yelled after them.

"I'll see you later?" Jay offered having no buffer between them anymore.

"Yeah, umm…. Where do you want to go?" Erin looked at her feet.

"I'll pick you up 5. Be ready." Jay smirked at her. To him in this moment she looked more beautiful than anyone could ever imagine. She looked like the Erin he loved tremendously. The quirky Erin that became nervous and looked at her feet- a tall tale sign that she was nervous. He chuckled a little. "Want a ride home?" It was cold and windy, a typical Chicago December day. Jay was being nice right now knowing Erin would have to get on the subway to make it home.

"Yeah, ummm, sure." She stumbled mumbling a bit.

Jay placed his hand gently on the curve of her back, guiding her to the car. Erin felt something in his touch. A spark- a spark that she's missed feeling. The heat from his hand made it all over her body. "Let's get you home."

The car ride was another silent ride, but Erin needed the touch of Jay. It was something inside of her. It was something that she missed terribly. The way Jay knew exactly were to touch her just to gave her the feel of a being loved, yet teasingly knowing they sent her off.

"Tonight," Jay paused weaving through the traffic on the way to the condominium. "Tonight, we are going to someplace that you are too dress nice in." Jay hinted about it, not giving anymore of a clue. He had a plan and even called a reservation in when he skipped out into the bathroom right before they picked up Lola.

"But," Erin finally looked up. "I don't know what to wear." She processed every outfit in her head that she has in the walk-in closet that was her dream come true when they moved in out of the loft apartment that they were newlyweds in. "I don't have anything to wear."

Jay knew this was a lie because there was one dress that made Jay week at his knees whenever Erin wore it to a wedding or some other fancy event that they were barely invited too these days. "The red one."

"Jay," Erin hesitated. "I don't think I can pull that off anymore. That was pre-Lola. My body isn't that good anymore."

"Trust me when I say this, Erin, you can definitely wear it still." He was always that voice of reasoning whenever Erin felt down about herself, he was there to pick her back up again.

"Yeah, we'll see." She was suddenly glad she had the four hours till date night, enough time for her to go out and find another dress.

"Erin," Jay pulled up in front of the building. "You're beautiful, and hell you look exactly the same as you did before having Lola. I wished you believed that." Jay placed his one hand on Erin's thigh, squeezing it to show he meant what he said. "I'll see you tonight, okay?"

"I'll see you then." Erin climbed out with a smile on her face. She felt giddy; almost like it was a brand new start. She felt like a kid having their first crush ask them out. It was a start, and Erin felt like it was one she was not going to regret.

 **So next chapter will be date night! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I know it's a little late but it's been a busy three weeks! It's not really an excuse, but I just hope you all know I tried for a while to write this, unsure of how I wanted it to go. I hope this is okay! Please let me know!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary:** Sometimes that little spark is still there waiting to burn again.

 **Disclaimer:** I own nothing.

 **So here is the final installment of this story. Sorry it took some time. Life once again got in the way and my mind is going crazy with new ideas. I hope you all enjoy it! Please let me know what you think.**

 **Still Burning  
** **Chapter Five**

"Man, stop the fucking pacing around. It's just Erin- no one else." Will laughed at Jay's nervous behavior. His poor brother was pacing the length of the apartment trying to at one point talk himself out of going and the other convincing himself to go. "Chug a beer and move on."

"It's a lot harder than you think."

"How is it hard? You're going to dinner with your wife, wife of ten years might I point out. You know her and she knows you."

"Yeah but still, we never get the chance to do this. I didn't even think we'd ever get the chance too." Jay was being serious. In his mind husband and wife were no more; both having to move on and start the process of finding love all over again.

"So be happy, don't mope around here scared to death. It's a good thing, Jay. Enjoy it."

"But what do we even talk about, Will? The damn counselor said no discussing the kids, well what else is there?"

"You really don't know what else is there to talk about?" He look at his brother like he was stupid. "You talk about each other. Ask her about herself. Get to know your wife again, man."

"I think I pretty much know her by now."

Will sighed as Jay was not comprehending anything he was saying. "For real, get to know her. Ask her about her wants and dreams. Be there to support her. Maybe it will allow you to move out of my damn guest bedroom and back into your own house again."

"Yeah, uh..." Jay stumbled over his words. "I don't even know if this is going to work. I mean I can get out of here- get a hotel or something."

"Jay, stay but the minute your girl wants you home go home to her. You both need each other. Make it work." Will insisted snatching the beer Jay just opened. "Now quit stealing my beer and go get Erin."

A quick glance at his watch, Jay slipped his suite jacket on and made his way over to were his coat was. "I guess I can head out."

"You're not going to regret giving Erin a chance. You need her just as much as she needs you. Allow it to happen. Don't be defensive. If she discusses wanting to work again, allow it because if you deny her that she may push back again." He gave him advise, "but have fun and forget about the real world for a little. Remember no discussing the brats."

"Brats?" Jay raised a brow to that comment.

"Ya know those little buggers? The ones that you have three of for some obnoxious reason." Will made it know from the beginning that he will never be a father- it wasn't for him. He didn't want the responsibility but he would be a damn good uncle, as long as he can give them back when they start complaining or annoying the crap out of him. "Anyway, that's besides the point. The point is that you my friend need to sweet talk your girl into becoming back on her good side again."

"I have some feeling that I shouldn't ask you how, but for the intent of wasting time what do you think is a good way to sweet talk your possible soon to be ex wife maybe even will stay your wife?" Jay took Will's advice always with a grain of salt. It was never the correct advice, usually had some humor thrown in or some bad stories but somehow it helped even if it told him what not to do.

"Welcome to dating 101, where's Ruzek when you need him?" Will hissed under his breath. "That boy will have answers because God knows how many times he had to sweet talk back to Burgess's good side. But one thing I do know is impress her tonight but don't talk yourself up. Give her flowers, but no gift. Give her a nice dinner, let her decide the drink or whatever or even let her decide what to do after."

"I was just planning on dinner..." Jay didn't really think the night through. He thought dinner would be a great start and from there they would decide.

"Not good enough." Will rambled on, pulling out date ideas. "It's too cold for a walk in the park or on the path by the lake- man, those are the best easily romantic parts. Maybe take her to see Christmas lights? I have no clue."

"Christmas lights?" Jay didn't know if that suggestion would even work.

"After dinner take her to down town to the store fronts and what not. That shit best be decorated for Christmas by now. I mean they start commercials in October it seems."

"I guess that would work..." Jay shrugged since he had no other plans.

"Now chug the beer and go get him tiger. My little brother is going on a fucking date finally. Praise the man upstairs he's getting lucky tonight. You truly need it."

With the last chug of his beer, Jay wanted out of there. "Bye."

"I do not expect you back until late- early morning-ish." Will called after him, "hopefully morning."

Once a path that he hated to drive, a path that he knew would end in a fight, and one that took under ten minutes took longer for rush hour traffic. Jay was a nervous mess as he stopped in the local florist that was at the corner of their block.

"What's the special occasion today, Jay?" The florist knew his name. He's been there so many times. "Angry fight to make up? Anniversary? Birthday? Just because?"

"Is there one that just is for saying "I love you"?" Jay questioned sticking his hands in his pockets. He use to, when they first moved into this condominium get Erin flowers all the time- especially when she was home pregnant and he was working. Sometimes they were delivered, others he brought them himself to her. Both times he knew Erin loved the special jester of appreciation, a simple acknowledgement of love. "On top of I'm sorry let's start over?"

"I'll see what I can do." The florist shook her head. "Now what are Erin's favorite flowers? Any idea?"

Erin wasn't really a roses girl, they were too commonly given out these days. Jay thought hard to what he knew to be her favorite flowers- even thinking back to what flowers were in her bouquet on their wedding day. "Peonies."

"In any particular color?"

"I'm not sure."

"I have blush, lavender and white."

"All of them? I mean I'm not good at this- you know that." Jay sighed wishing he knew which one Erin would like better. "Blush and white. Those she had in her bouquet." The little detail came to him quickly. "With roses."

"I think we got something here." In no time at all, the florist put together the most beautiful flower set in a vase that Jay himself is proud of helping. The white and blush peonies filled the vase with random placement of light pink roses was perfect.

"You always pull through for me, Gail."

"That's because you've been coming here for everything Jay. Now go get your girl with these. The next time I see you I want it to be a happy occasion."

"You got it Gail." Jay waved goodbye and heading down the street to the building.

The old building is what Erin wanted, a converted warehouse turned into 2-4 bedroom condominium that were filled with families all around. Their own unit, a nice three bedroom had views of downtown through the windows that went floor to ceiling. The roof deck, their own for just them, was enough for the outside space for the kids when they had all those little toys like the basketball net, tricycles and more. It was good for them now and is still great for them.

Jay felt awkward as he stood in front of the door knocking. It was his own home and here he stood on the outside with no key anymore to get in.

"It's open Jay!" Erin screamed loudly and Jay heard her high heels clicking on the old wooden floors. "I'll be ready in a few."

Jay let himself in, standing awkwardly by the front door and he placed the vase on the table by the front door that Erin needed to drop the junk collected in her arms every day when she walked into the house. The place didn't change since he's left it. All the piles of toys and kids messes where contained in baskets on a shelving system that Jay cursed out multiple times trying to put together when it was only Shelby. The couch, an L shaped sectional that Jay was sure Aidan was conceived on, still sat directly in front of the seventy inch television he had to have for his sporting games.

He didn't know what to do so he followed Erin's voice down the hall to their bedroom "Erin?" Jay calls out walking the hallway lined with family photos of them together, the kids Christmas photos that Erin needed every year and the school photos since back when Shelby was in preschool with her goofy smile. "Holy fuck."

He was at a loss for words. Erin stood in front of him, zipping up the side of her newer red dress as it was one Jay's never seen before. Her hair was in slight curls, and the smokey eye make up made her green eyes pop. Her heels where black stilettos that made her legs look like they go on forever. She looked like a model.

"I look okay right?" Erin turned embarrassed by Jay's reaction.

"More than okay, Erin. You look absolutely beautiful." Jay stared at her once again. He couldn't remove his eyes from her.

"Really?" Erin blushed again, "I wasn't sure about the dress. Kim went out with me for shopping and made me get it. I can always change..."

"Oh hell no. You are staying in that damn dress. I think I have a new favorite dress." He pulled her into a hug, falling back into how they began their relationship years ago prior to kids and life getting in the way, back when it was just them. Whispering in her ear, "personally, I don't want to let other people see you in this thing. I'd rather see it off you."

The tension sexually has always been there. Even when their relationship, communication wise, was suffering the sex never did.

"I spent a pretty penny on this dress and I'm damn sure going to show it off." Even as she was nervous about the dress, she felt a wave of confidence in it knowing it did its purpose so far. The dress ended a good three inches above her knee, hugging her curves tightly as it had a deep v in the front showing the perfect amount of cleavage and a v in the back letting Jay know Erin's going bra-less for the night.

"But truly Erin, you look beautiful." Jay cupped her cheek. He thought this whole date would be nerve wrecking but for some reason they fell into place. Everything was going smoothly. Their emotions, the way they were still drawn to each other was still there. Through all the shit that went down they were still them. "Absolutely beautiful."

Erin nervously pulled away not know what exactly to do. She loved the compliments but at the same time they wrecked her to the core. They made her nervous, extremely nervous but she didn't want those nerves to get to her. "Want to head out?"

"Uh, yeah. Sounds good." He placed his hand on the small of her back guiding her out of their place.

"Where too?" Erin wanted to know since Jay dropped her off earlier in the day.

"I'll show you." He wanted to keep it a secret. He knew Erin's favorite type of food- anything Italian: pizza and pasta. He knew of friends in the restaurant business. He called some friends for a little help and got a reservation for one of the best Italian places in Chicago, La Sarcola.

"Shelby called earlier." Erin spoke softly. "She's really excited about this weekend. Hank is taking them to the aquarium. I don't know why he thinks it's gonna be easy."

"Does he know how Lola is with any animals?"

"I'm not sure," she laughed genuinely, "I think he just wants us to have all the time we possibly be can or need. He offered to take them more."

Jay shrugged, he didn't know if he wanted Hank to have more time with his kids. The way he treated Jay, only to protect Erin- according to Erin, was enough to scare him. What if Hank pulled this crap again the next time Erin and him get in a fight? Jay would die of embarrassment and at the death of his step in father in law. "Maybe." It was a simple response because he didn't want to get involved in a fight.

"Okay," Erin accepted it, staring out the window trying to find something that would inform her where they were going. Without any luck, or her bet of Jay driving a different rout. "So..."

Erin paused, "this is weird. I don't know what to talk about Jay."

He didn't want to breach this subject but knew it was a must. "Did you talk to Hank about your job?" There must be some steps Erin has to go through as it has been practically 10 years since she quit for their kids.

"Uh, yeah." Erin nodded softly. "He said if I pass the exam again, the jobs mine."

"I guess that's good for you, you sure do love exams." Jay teased remembering all those years of taking their fire arm exams with their unhealthy competition between the two.

"Eh," Erin shrugged. "I want to go back, I really do but there's something holding me back. Like nerves or I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just scared? I've been home for so long; so long from being in the field that I don't know if it's for me anymore. I'm worried. Before all I had to worry about was you and Hank. Now I have you two and the kids along with myself."

"You don't need to go back if you don't want too. I'm not forcing you."

She nodded in agreement with him, "I know but I can't stay home anymore. I need to do something for myself. Something that will help others."

"Erin, this whole mess started because you wanted to get out and get back in the field." Jay knew he held some of the blame but in his mind it pushed it away. Erin strung him along for a while, declaring their relationship completely garbage. Now with her change of mind, Jay wasn't sure anymore once again.

"That is not true and you know it, Jay." She thought they moved passed this in therapy but she was wrong. "I wanted to become more than just a mother again. I wanted to do something for me, and not have to worry if you'll be there to pick up the slack because I know you wouldn't. You get so wrapped up in everything that we all get pushed aside for work."

He didn't want to fight, so Jay calmly took a deep breath before speaking again. "I didn't try to push you all aside. That was the last thing I wanted to do. It was and still is hard balancing work and family life. I have a job that I maybe called to come back in the moment I step through the door. I can't change that no matter how hard I try too. When you needed me it was the same time Voight would call and say there was a new case. What was I supposed to do? Tell him I can't come right now my wife needs me? That wouldn't fly with him."

"I know but maybe he'd make an exception."

"You and I both know that's a lie, Erin."

Erin shrugged, "what other options do we have? I don't know what I want. If you want to work there still, I'm not sure what we will do."

"So it's an ultimatum now? Either I quit and we stay together or I stay and the divorce goes through? What do you want me to do if I leave Erin? I worked there and the army. Would you rather me return back to being a Ranger again? They're always asking us to join again."

"So you'd leave us once again and maybe for good this time?" Erin was stunned. It wasn't really an ultimatum that she wanted to give him.

"That's the thing Erin. I don't want to leave you all. Hell I never do when I leave every morning." Jay sighed frowning. "I just don't know what else to do. I can't promise you I'll be home every night for dinner but I can promise I can try my best to be. If I can't I'll call and let you know. I just don't want to loose you or the kids." He ended with a confession.

"You're close to loosing us already." She mumbled but he heard every single word.

"What do I have to do, Erin? At this point I'd do anything." Jay felt like he was going to breakdown. There was something truthful in this conversation that made him realize this could be it. This could be the last time he'll get a chance to actually take his wife out on a date because in a matter of days or weeks those divorce papers will end up at his doorstep for him. He didn't want the divorce, he might of said he did out of anger, but anger makes you do stupid things. "Please tell me."

"I think I just need time to figure out myself, Jay." Erin was honest, completely honest with him. They always say you can't love somebody else until you love yourself. Erin was going to learn how to love herself in her role as mother. She was going to love herself no matter what happens between her and Jay. "I don't know what I want to do, or who I want to be."

"There's other options besides joining back the squad." Jay pulled up to the restaurant. "Your favorite." He smiled softly. "I pulled some strings because I thought you deserve the best."

"Jay..." Erin blushed not sure if she should comment on the other options or comment on how he knew her favorite place- which he should because the amount of times he had to drive across town for take out from there whenever Erin was pregnant as she used the common line in their house "what baby wants, mama will eat".

"We can stop this conversation and just have fun enjoying your favorite food." He added a playful wink. "Besides, this is the one place that I know you'll even eat more than me."

"Jay Halstead, are you calling me fat?" Erin sat stunned, playfully mimicking his behavior, as Jay opened the passenger door for her.

"I would never in a million years call you fat, Er."

Because she wasn't fat. She was still a twig like she was when they first met. Three kids did nothing but widen her hips.

"Good answer, boy." Erin teased as Jay place his hand in the curve of her back guiding her towards the entrance and from there right to their table.

The dinner started of silent. It was difficult for either of them to come up with things to discuss that were not about the kids. At this point in their lives, all they had in common were their kids. Erin wanted to tell Jay about what Shelby's latest report was on, or how Lola continues to draw her family but explains it how she has two houses so she draws two houses with the one family in front of it- even Will and Hank made it on there. But that would bring up the topic of were are they going from here and Erin wasn't sure of that answer.

"Erin," Jay spoke up first breaking the awkward silence. "You know I'm sorry right? I'm sorry that I was dead set on you leaving work for the kids and I'm sorry that you held resentment to me work and being gone." Erin looked at Jay and could tell he meant it. His face looked terrified at the fact the he realized he would loose everything he loved. "But I'm mostly sorry for comparing you to your mom. You're nothing like her."

"It's okay, Jay." She wasn't sure herself but she would accept his apology if it meant him smiling again. "I don't think I'll go back, at least till Lola's in school full time. Maybe I'll see if Platt needs any help at the desk or volunteer at the school. They're always looking for volunteers. It will give me something to do to get out of the house."

"It's up to you. What ever you want to do or become I'll support you Erin."

"Do you think about going back to the Army Rangers again?" The question has been playing on Erin's mind since he threatened to go back during their car ride.

Jay stiffened his shoulders. "The Rangers were good for me at some point in my life. They allowed me to do something that had a purpose. To give me something to achieve. The boot camps, the trainings and the deployments helped make me better but the things I saw on those deployments are things I never want to see again." He paused. "They still send letters trying to get us back because let's face it, they need us. A lot of my buddies went into the private security sector in those areas. Good money, but it takes you away from everything. I don't want to be away from you or the kids. Being away during the week is hell enough. I couldn't imagine doing it for months at a time. At this point, I cant see myself going back."

"I think if you did, I'd make an awesome Army Wife like that horrible Lifetime show. But on the other hand I don't think our kids are set out to be Army brats."

"You and your horrible soaps." Jay laughed knowing exactly how Erin's DVR looked like. "I would never put them in that spot."

"I know you wouldn't." Erin truly knew that. "And my soaps are not horrible, well all of them aren't horrible."

"Keep telling yourself that, Lindsey." He playfully teased.

The conversation continued just like ones they use to have throughout dinner. Erin and Jay both relaxed, and enjoyed each other's company more than previously.

"I had fun tonight." Erin whispered softly when they pulled in front of their once shared home. "A lot of fun."

"Me too," Jay nodded in agreement with her. "I think this was our test and I sure as hell think we passed it."

"I'm still scared Jay." She looked at her hands before her eyes fell to meet his. "I'm scared if I let you in, it will just cause more hurt- more pain."

"I can't promise you I'll never hurt you again, Erin. But I can promise you I'll try to never hurt you." Jay made a promise to himself that he'd never hurt her again. He couldn't because the fear of loosing the one he loves, his best friend and his three kids was too great for him.

"Want to come up?" Erin initially hesitated to ask Jay this because she didn't know if it was moving too fast. "It's okay if you don't want too. I was just wondering if you want to watch a movie or something."

"I'd like that." Jay smiled climbing out of the car.

It was something in him that felt like this was different. The fire was still burning between them and he was going to keep it burning for as long as he could.


End file.
